So, it happened, and I figured it would, but not as soon as it did. About two days ago Ryan broke up with me, and I figure since he never really reads these anyway, I can say this on here. 

I saw it coming.

When we first started going out I warned him about the things that would try to rip us apart, and I even told him how he should deal with them when they happened, but they still got to him. He said that everything we talk about turned into an argument, which really is not true. We only argued when I was ranting, or when I was very stressed out over Japanese, and to be honest, I warned him that would happen. Besides, not everything we talked about turned into an argument. The other thing he said happened was that I was worried about the people he meets, and he's meeting a whole lot of new people - cause he just started college - but the thing is that I care. I just wanted to know about his friends. It's not like I know them already, or can get to know them, and I just wanted to know about them. And, yeah, I would get jealous of his friends that are girls, but to be honest they hang all over him. He went to so many parties, and I just wanted to know his friends to know that when they got slammed nothing would happen, but whatever. I still felt like things happened at his parties. Now that he broke up with me saying that, I feel like something did happen. I mean, Monday when we talked he told me that he had met some people and made some new friends and I was like "Oh, really? Sweet! Who are they?" Like what are they like? And he told me about them. Two of them were guys and he just told me a little bit about them, but when he told me about the girl he met he told me about how much they had in common, and to be honest I felt sort of... *thinking face* ...replaced... for a lack of better word. Just something didn't settle well with me about that. Then he didn't talk to me at all Tuesday, and Wednesday when he finally talks to me he breaks up with me, so it's whatever. I was fine with it, but I made sure he knew that doing it over text meant a whole lot to me. -_- seriously? When we started dating he told me that guys who break up with girls over text are pathetic. Does that mean he's pathetic? I suppose so, but I hope he's happy in whatever he chooses. 

I know I should be all cynical and complaining and crying over how bad he did me, but I can't say anything. I'm not going to say anything. It's his life, and if he doesn't want me in it, then I'm not going to force him to rethink his options, and I'm definitely NOT going to guilt trip him about anything. It's his life, and he deserves someone better than me, and someone who is close enough to him that he can actually go and physically see them without the ocean getting in his way. And I'm not going to complain about how 'bad he treated me', because he didn't treat me bad. He literally did nothing wrong the entire time. I'm surprised he dealt with me as long as he did, so it's no big deal. Am I upset? Of course I am! But it's not the end of the world. I still have my friends that love me, and I have my family, and I have my education to worry about. It's not the first break up I've had, and it's definitely not the worst, and it most likely won't be the last. But with every guy - as they leave whether by my choice, his, or a mutual decision - they leave some sort of scar I have to heal. 

1.) Zack killed my trust of guys by cheating on me after 8 years
2.) Gandy was a mistake on my part, and he really left nothing. Then again we only dated for 3 days, but even after 4 years of being single I wasn't ready for another relationship after Zack.
3.) Caleb left me with trust issues. All he wanted was my body. He constantly wanted to touch me and wanted me to comply, but when I refused to comply he got angry and we fought. Another thing he did was while we were at school talking to our friends, he refused to let me speak and clinged onto me when people said 'hey' or if I said I needed to go to class. He got protective and it made me scared that he would become abusive, but when I tried to get out of the relationship he guilt tripped me back in. Finally after the 3rd time I cut off all contact and that was that.
4.) Dillon was after Caleb and was my first Long Distance Relationship. I thought he was really cool when we first met and we talked for a few months before we started privately talking instead of talking over the group chat, and then we started dating. Everything went pretty good for a few months, but after 3 months he changed... He started becoming angry at me and he lied to me a lot. So, more trust issues here, as he constantly lied to me. I broke it off, and stopped talking to him. Which actually caused some problems between me and a good friend of mine, but we got past those. 
5.) Next was Collin and he was really clingy. Like really freaking clingy. I moved to my new school - and this was a rough time in my life - and I became good friends with him. But his girlfriend was in my chorus class. I vowed to myself I would NEVER cheat, or help a man cheat, on anyone, and that's sort of what happened. But I was never taught that talking to somebody was a form of cheating, so when I found out I chewed him out and apologized like crazy to Montana. We dated for a week and I became good friends with his ex - who is now his current girlfriend and it's really awkward between them - and she told me that Collin had kissed her on the day we started going out, and kept telling her that they would get back together that this was just a break, so that hurt. I tried to push it away and ignore it, but one thing led to another and I broke up with him. So that left a scar. That whole situation left a scar.
6.) Now I can add Ryan to the list.. He didn't really hurt me, but my trust issues just.... I push people away, and when they try to help me, I get angry at them and push them away further, and that's what happened. I pushed him away and he actually stayed away. He's not the first one to leave when I pushed him away. And he definitely won't be the last, but he was everything I had ever wanted in a guy. Everything I thought a man should be in a relationship, and of course, I ruin it with my attitude. 

I don't know... Jamie, my best friend, tells me not to blame myself. That if she hears me blaming myself she's going to punch me through the computer or come to my house and punch me, but I can't help but blame myself. Technically in the long run this is my fault. I caused this, but it could have been fixed. Instead, I'm rebuilding what barriers were broken down, and secluding myself again. I really don't like breaking up with people, so I wonder if it's just easier to give up on the concept that there is love on this Earth and be alone? Is the human race so messed up that there isn't any hope of finding true and unconditioned love in it? Is that the case, or is it just my mind. The depressions I fall into and the anger I feel? Is that the issue? Is it me? Or is it the fact that I just haven't met the one yet? It will be OK though. :) I'm a strong girl and will get through this and move on. I just have to forgive but never forget. Anyway, sorry for ranting. I just had to get that off my chest.